Show time

I wasn't too excited about the cinema choices anyway. I have been disappointed in myself because I watch and don't create. I consume and don't produce why should I get excited about someone else's imagination. We walked along to the cinemahouse passing crowded restaurants, I saw the short collared shirts and lip gloss. What was the attire that was required? I looked in at the grey lights. I considered that even if I was wealthy I would still lack class and wouldn't know what I was supposed to wear or order or why. Around the block was a gathering crowd, not for the show but Chinese food, I saw the moo shu through the glass. We should go there sometime she said. No, I don't like Chinese food, why wait for Chinese food? I picture myself waiting to be seated, browsing the menu ordering a hundred other idiots doing the same. I had just decided I didn't like Chinese food actually. Ok, go back she replied. You don't want to see the movie? I asked, jokingly, trying to call her bluff. No, go home. She was serious. I was the one with the job, with the subway ride and the eerie concern of being stuck in the tin can miles down so I held the purse strings and she had the power to pout. I felt like FDR at times, struggling to stand upright for the good of my people. Struggling to raise the pen.

Back at home I was relieved to have enough wine in the remaining bottles to fill half a glass. Go to the other room, I don't want to look at you! I drank my wine, warm and unconcerned. Just sitting there sifting through myself, changing colors, in pain, stuck in the hours. Would I like to get divorced? No I still remember solitude. I remember the hollow space around me, the large size the small spaces could create. But I could fuck a dozen prostitutes with all the dimensions I have desired if it was just me.  After the act I always found myself contemplating watercolors. It is more fantasy to live in lust then actual satisfaction. Laying down in different colors, in the square. It's the weekend and I still don't care about wrinkles in my shirt or the hard sell. Before going to my room I said, you see a crowd and you want to know what they are doing but I want to do the opposite. I see them waiting and want to run but she wants to know what is it they are waiting for, surely it's worth the wait.